Anger is the most persecuted, denied and rejected human emotion. Anger is scary and little human beings are taught since their early years, through education, religion and social manners that anger is bad and sinful. Anger is painted as the utmost evil but is it really?
First of all, let us define anger.
Anger is an emotion of antagonism towards a person, an object or one’s own self. It takes roots in frustration and unfairness and feeds on fear and guilt. Anger could be communicated and it could have three different natures: passive aggressive anger, aggressive anger and assertive anger.
Passive aggressive anger is expressed when the individual keeps denying or ignoring their emotion due to the guilt of having it in the first place. They keep saying that nothing is wrong and instead, they keep sabotaging their relationships and their own happiness.
Aggressive anger is surely the most known form of anger and it managed to ruin the reputation of anger itself. This form of anger could lead to complete descent into chaos and must unarguably be controlled and managed.
Assertive anger is the healthiest form of anger as it allows the person to communicate their feeling of anger clearly, using words and verbal description of the behaviour that lead initially to it. Unfortunately, assertive anger is not enforced nor taught in most societies and educational systems.
Sadly, anger is known to either be passive aggressive or aggressive and has been fought since the dawn of human awareness. How does this affect our brain and our relationships?
When an individual is pushed to deny their anger towards themselves or a person, the emotion is trapped within the self, dwelling and growing like a swirling fire ball. An internal fight starts within the self between the desire to let it express itself and the guilt of doing so. This internal ongoing conflict leads to anxiety and then depression.
I had a talk with a very sad friend the other day who was clearly wearing the crown of depression while their true emotion was anger. They held so much anger in their mind towards their family along with so much guilt and frustration of not being able to communicate it, that the only appearing state in their daily behaviour was sadness. They had no idea of the consequences of persecuting anger. Who needs a fire ball within? no one. Fire balls should be thrown in a pond of water. Otherwise, anger within will mask itself with ongoing sadness or with ongoing negative behaviours.
Anger should be dealt with and it must be externalized. It must be attributed to a cause and communicated from within the self to outside of it.
Do not hold anger within. Do not feel guilty for being angry especially if you are angry towards family members. Do not tell yourself that you are guilty since family members should be loved unconditionally. Do not confuse love with anger. You can love someone and still be angry with them.
Do not punish your children for being angry. Instead of punishing or ignoring their negative behaviours, help them understand the cause of it. Help them identify the frustration or the fear that lead to it. Teach them how to express it with assertiveness.
Let’s have anger! I hope you enjoy it.